It was a Sunday afternoon. I decided that I should go for a run to shake the funky feeling I’d been having in my feet for the past couple weeks. A little exercise usually helped when I was feeling weird…there’s something therapeutic about getting the heart rate up. However, it was on that run that I knew something was wrong.
I felt horrible. I mean, I-could-barely-make-it-a-mile horrible. I knew my heart was in better shape than that. Something had been up with my feet, but this horrible feeling was in my whole body. Later that night, I decided I needed to take a test to tell me what I already assumed. I usually keep a few dollar store tests on hand just in case, so I took one…during the commercials of our Sunday night show. The show was starting so I went back to watching and figured I would check at the next commercial break.
When I checked back, it was as I expected it would be: negative. I was about to throw it out when I saw it: the faintest blue line, so light that I thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. Hmmm…not possible. I just finished my period so it was. not. possible. You don’t get your period when your pregnant; I learned that in health class 101. It was a dollar store test, so I dismissed it and figured it was not accurate. After reading the instructions again I decided that I probably let it sit too long. I mentioned it in passing to Mike and we continued watching our show.
The next morning I took three more tests and they were all positive. What?! This time I even splurged on the more expensive kind–the kind that tell you 5 days early. I just had my period so I shouldn’t be getting positive tests, but these tests don’t lie — I was pregnant! My heart leaped and I hoped that maybe all would be ok…maybe it was just a rocky start?
The following week and a half was rough. Lots of blood work and lots of uncertainty. My heart was anxious over the thought of a possible miscarriage. I knew lots of women have had them, but I didn’t think I would ever be one of them. I was healthy and I already had two successful pregnancies so this was unexpected. I still had hope, but I was preparing my heart for it to be broken.
And it was. I started bleeding an hour before I got the call saying that the last round of blood work confirmed a miscarriage. My heart was broken, my feet oddly started feeling normal again, and my womb was lifeless.
I am sharing this very personal information for two reasons. First, I realized this past November how odd the body is and how unpredictable health can be. You think you are doing things right but sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. I never thought that tingling feet would be connected to a non-viable pregnancy, but my body is unique and I needed to listen to it that day that I went for a run.
Secondly, I am sharing this personal information because I believe that all life is valuable–even the life that lasts for a few short weeks in the womb. Sharing with you about that life that was in my womb is a way of celebrating that it existed. I am sad that I will not be holding my newborn baby in my arms on the 4th of July this year, and I long to know what he or she would have looked like and what their favorite color was. I am so thankful for my two precious children and I know God is sovereign and loving. He knows what is best for our family and how many children we will have. He knows how my body works–He gives life and he takes away.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.